He keeps calling me deeper.
It’s the theme of this season, I think. I find myself fixated on one longing in my heart. Thinking if I could just attain that one thing, God. If you could just give me this- I know I’d be satisfied. I know I’d be full. I crave. I beg. I pray for.
Lately I’ve stopped talking as much and actually heard myself. I heard myself begging and asked “who am I?” I like to ask myself that question every once in a while. To think through who I want to be and lay it next to who I am. As I’ve sat back and thought through these things I can hear much more clearly the Spirit in me. He leads me along this winding path, like Alice in Alice in Wonderland following the little white rabbit through the woods. Piece by piece I start to see this whole different picture.
He has more for me than this one thing I long for.
Oh- not that He is some disengaged King on His throne always withholding the desires of my heart. His plans for me are actually much bigger than a single longing in my heart. Much more intricately woven into this great story, personally designed to meet my deepest needs in ways I can’t fathom, beautifully radiantly glorifying Him each step of the way. It’s much better than the story I long for, with a God that resembles more of a genie granting wishes than a best friend that walks with me.
I’m finding He calls me to things much bigger than myself. It is scary and a lot of days I tell Him how scared I am. How I’d rather ball up in a corner than face what He brings my way. His calling on my daily life scares me. But He keeps meeting me, in ways I can’t fully explain. Like a lover that knows you in the deepest of ways, He whispers so gently- I have so much for you. In songs, words, conversations- He continually speaks this truth over me. I have so much for you- and I won’t stop calling you. Pursuing me relentlessly, He calls me deeper. Calls me to let Him direct my paths, to let Him guide me to the more He has.
I’m grateful to be loved so deeply that He never stops pursing me. I feel unable to fulfill what He calls me to but I know He is able and He is good. Today, I thank Him that He knows me better than I know myself. He meets me where I am and reminds me of how great His plans are. I let myself lean back and the peace of this truth wash over me: He has so much for me.