Seeking you as a precious jewel, to give up I’d be a fool.

I have stayed up past midnight almost every night of my Christmas vacation. The past few nights I’ve stayed up until at least 2. I’m glad I’m still able to stay up that late. Being out of college hasn’t completely changed me! I’m so glad!

I love Christmas. I love the coming home, being with family, and seeing friends you don’t normally get to see. I try to put all my energy into being with these special people over holidays. I let things like sleep slide and other little, seemingly less important things go. I am so thankful the Lord has given me a wonderful family and precious friends that make coming home so good. Plus, I was fortunate enough this Christmas to get to go visit one of my very best friends. It was so wonderful to get to hang out with her that I wanted to cry getting on the plane to come home. I’m thankful we are able to stay such good friends even though we live so far away! What a blessing!

My cup is full tonight. As cheesy as it sounds, I can’t describe it any other way. I feel overwhelmed with love and gratitude for the Savior. It is a sweet place to be and I am thankful I’m not anywhere else. There’s so much I’d love to expand on here but I think I’ll leave it for right now. I love the Lord who sent His son as a baby to save us. His ways are so perfect. He is so good.

Wishing you and yours a heart fulfilling, overwhelmingly good Christmas.

XOXO

Tid-bits

I’ve had all these little one liner things to say but haven’t wanted to bombard facebook with statuses or tweets. So… what better place than a post?? Here are some “tid-bits” as of late.

I have become obsessed with boots and how warm they keep my feet. I never knew they were so comfy and wonderful!

I’m actually- slowly, starting to love this season of life. God is so good.

Today I got two walmart shopping carts FULL of stuff all in my car. (minus the actual shopping carts) I’m so proud of the Fit!

I love roommate night and how much they all make me laugh! Best roommates 2009-2010.

I went to a mission trip meeting Sunday about going to Indonesia. I really want to go- if I can.

I’ve really been wanting to go to grad school for a few days now. A record time for having my mind set on one thing? Yes. I really want to go next fall.

In less than 2 weeks I get to spend 4 days with my best friend and I am SO excited! I can’t wait for some best friend time!

I’m ready. Ready for anything. and everything.

I put on two different socks today on purpose because I felt like it was a funny secret I was keeping. (I realize its not funny or a big deal but somehow it felt like it was)

K, I think thats it for now. Thanks for letting me document all the things spilling out of my head… and for reading them.

XOXO

War stories

I’m trying to work on my grad school applications and already- after 15 minutes, I am distracted and don’t know what to say. One app asks me to discuss a social problem and an ethical issue I’ve encountered. I can think of the ethical issue but the social problem? Ummm…. ?? Its bad that I can’t think of one “of interest” to me. I know they’re there… I just can’t think of one off the top of my head.

Today I was reminded of why I like helping people. I like those moments. This sweet client of mine was telling me how he fought in the Vietnam war. He started crying.. it was so sad. He kept saying “I’ve been through hell and back”. I wanted to hug him. (I resisted because I’ve had too many creepy older men encounters lately and I don’t want to send ANY signals). I wanted to show him the resilient man I saw sitting in front of me. He was held captive there for 6 weeks in a cage the size of a mini-fridge. He kept crying and telling me war stories- simply because I’m one of the few people that can understand him due to a stroke. It was a privilege to listen.

This is why I love older people: most have been “through hell and back” and despite it all still sit in front of  me fighting to keep living and improving and getting better. Such wisdom and strength in those eyes. I think this is why I am drawn to social work- and people who have been through hard, heavy stuff. They inspire me. They are legit. I am amazed…. and heartbroken. AND thankful. Amazed at their resilience and strength. Heartbroken because a lot of my clients are dealing with hard stuff and are so burdened by it all. Most don’t know the saving grace and redemption of the Savior. Thankful- because I am saved and know my Lord carries my burdens for me. Wars, deaths- and whatever else may come my way in this life- Christ will heal, save, and sustain me. What a beautiful Savior!

I’m thankful I get to meet so many people with different backgrounds and stories. Sometimes I laugh (not in their face) about the crazy things they say and/or do. But I really am thankful to get to know them. Maybe I picked the right profession after all!

XOXO

Faith

I was thinking about faith the other day. It has always been a word that sounds so fluffy to me. I realize thats a little crazy considering everything the bible says about faith. But the Christian world has always sugar coated it to me to look so sweet and easy. The fact that few things in my life have really shaken this “sweet” idea of faith doesn’t really help either. Well, I take that back.. it has been shaken before. Anyways- thats not the point, point is- I’m beginning to see how dirty faith is. By dirty I mean, requires work– hard, grungy, scrubbing a bathroom floor that hasn’t been cleaned in 20 years work. Its not just cute little sayings or artwork to decorate a house with. Its rough. I think the Christian decor that has the word faith in it shouldn’t look so sweet and innocent. They should be darker and not so frilly. Just my opinion.

Anyways, I’m seeing more clearly it takes effort to have faith. It takes courage and surrender. It takes trust and love. It’s not always smiles and joy to have faith. Some days its getting out of bed when you don’t want to, telling God- and yourself, you trust His ways to be better than your own. Some days its asking and questioning at his feet but still moving forward. Faith is what gets you up off the ground when you’ve been hit hard. No verse sums it up better than Hebrews 11:1- Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. There are no flowers or bright colors in that. It’s ultimate belief. Its leaning on something you may not see clearly or even at all but somehow trust is there.

How anyone has this kind of faith, I have no idea but by the grace of God. Another thing I’m becoming familiar with- the saving grace of my savior. I think understanding even a piece of His grace is part of what keeps me holding on in faith.

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. Hebrews 10:23

How sweet it is to be loved by you.

“Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere.”  Psalm 84:10

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalms 34:18

“⁵For you, O Lord, are my hope,
my trust, O LORD, from my youth.
⁶Upon you I have leaned from before my birth;
you are he who took me from my mother’s womb.
My praise is continually of you.” Psalms 71:5-6

“Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Our God is a God who saves; from the Sovereign Lord comes escape from death.” Psalms 68: 19-20

“But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. My mouth will tell of your righteousness, of your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure.” Psalms 71:14-15

I cannot even begin to tell you how strongly these verses resonate within me. How truly sweet it is to be loved by Him. Praise be to God, the maker of heaven and earth!

10 things I’m thankful for

Allye asked me the other night to write a post about ten things I’m thankful for so I’m going to. I love doing stuff like this and now seems like a good time to.

1. The Lord’s faithfulness and love for me. I am so thankful I can rest in him no matter what happens. He loves me and will always always always be faithful. I love him so much! Psalms 71:5- For you have been my hope, O Sovereign Lord, my confidence since my youth.

2. All of my roommates and my mom. They have taken care of me this past week as I’ve pitifully laid on the couch each day. From bringing me a trash can when I need it, a sonic drink to cheer me up, and always asking if I need anything- they are all amazing! My mom even came up for a night and cleaned things and bought me food. I am so blessed!

3. My job. Thankfully, although I didn’t go to work all week- I still will get paid for most of last week. Thanks to having a real job with real sick days! I will still be able to make my car payment and my rent- and pay for anything I need. Thank you Lord for a good full-time job!

4. The Lord’s word (my bible). It has brought me so much hope and peace during this season. I can’t even begin to express how grateful I am to be able to pick up my bible whenever I need to and find whatever words I need to hear to carry me through.

5.  Veteran’s Day. I am thankful for Veterans and their service to our country. Also, for them having their own day because I get the day off to celebrate them! Celebrate I will!

6. Health insurance. I’m going back to the doctor tomorrow because I’m still not better. I’m thankful because I have health insurance I don’t have to stress about going to the doctor again- and hopefully paying for some prescription meds.

7. More mature, wiser, godly people the Lord has placed in my life. I’m so thankful they are there especially during this season. Their love, support and prayers are such a blessing.

8. Change. As hard and painful as it can be for me, I know it is so good. Change allows room for new opportunities, growth and better things. The actual change isn’t so awesome but what follows I trust is worth it! Romans 8:28- And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

9. Hope.  Psalms 71:14-15  But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. My mouth will tell of your righteousness, of your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure.

10.  Brokenness. Hosea 2:14-15 “Therefore I am no going to allure her, I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth… in that day, declares the Lord, you will call me ‘my husband’ “.

I hope my posts aren’t super depressing right now. I don’t mean for them to be. I hope the hope and love I have in Christ amidst the trials and brokenness shines brighter. He is so good.

BTW, you should probably make a list of 10 things you’re thankful for too!

XOXOXO

Just like a star cross my sky

Expectations. I’ve been thinking about these and what mine are. I put expectations on everything. I have expectations for how my life should go. I have expectations for how people should treat me. I’ve been wondering whats the difference between expectations and standards. I think expectations set standards and that isn’t always bad. I mean- I think it isn’t bad for us to defend ourselves and push ourselves to be better through our standards. This is where it gets blurry for me though. See- I expect to be generally happy in life, so if I’m not- I look for ways to change what I’m doing to become happier. Not a bad thing, right? But- my standard for my life is happiness. Something in me says wait a second, can I really set that standard for my life? Can I really expect that? Christ doesn’t promise me happiness every day of my life. He promises joy in Him- but not happiness.

I keep realizing all these different expectations and standards I’ve put on my life. Its no wonder why I am discontented. How interesting it is to have the Lord pull at the roots of you. Here are some things I can expect:

Christ will always work for my good according to what He has called me to.

God will never leave or forsake me.

He is faithful, always and forever.

God is always good.

It is for freedom he set us free.

I’m going to work on freeing myself of my expectations and lining them up with Christ’s promises.

On a less serious note- if a doctor tells you you’re just going to have to “ride out” the flu with no prescription meds, go ahead and punch him in the face right then. You may not feel the need to at the moment but when you’re still knocked out on the couch 3 days later, you’ll be glad you did.

(please forgive me for the last paragraph, Lord and readers. I blame it on all the tv i’ve watched this week)

XOXO

His love is real, its not just a sign or a sacrement

This week has been so weird. I feel like its a strange dream. I think I’ve expressed every emotion possible in the past few days. I hope life stops feeling so surreal soon. I don’t like this.

I decided today I’m going to switch positions at my job. I’m nervous and excited. I’m going to miss working with some of my clients. I’m afraid I won’t like this job either though. Trusting Him.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my calling lately. I have no idea what the big picture “calling” is on my life. I wish I did. But I’m becoming okay with not knowing. I think Christ is always calling us to something. Sometimes- as I’m finding, its a lot simpler than we think. I like that too. I need simple in my life right now. I don’t think I could take anything complex and I know God understands that about me. He’s so good. I hope you know that. I don’t always trust that He is but He is. Anyways, my good God is calling me to rest in Him and wait on Him. How I know this? I don’t know. What I do know is I was really praying and thinking about what I feel called to right now and thats all I could think about. How sweet is it to realize the love of the Father? He knows what I need and calls me to it. The Lord knows this is not an easy call for me either- regardless of how simple it is. But I know my God is a God who provides and I’m proclaiming his truths in the face of my trials. With Him as my refuge and fortress, I will not be shaken. What a beautiful savior.  I love him so much.

There’s so much going on in my head lately. Its spilling out everywhere and I can’t help it. So, enjoy the surplus of posts for a little while. k, i’m going.

XOXO

love always beats hates, PTL

I love at least one cup of tea every morning

I love doing flirty girl fitness with my roommate.

I love that I had a client sing a love song to me today.

I love that after my client sang a love song to me and I was walking to my car, I ran into Santa on a power scooter and he asked me for money.(I gave him money and asked if I could get a new bike for Christmas.)

I love that I have the most comfortable bed in the world and it takes up my entire room.

I love that I got a raise Friday! After 5 months!!

I love that I’m getting to see my best friend in December! And one of my dear friends is coming with me!

I love watching Glee 2-3xs, and not on purpose, just every time someone in the house watches it.

I love shopping and its a problem. I can’t stop.

I love when I find I actually have hidden His words in my heart.

I love cooking for others.

I love the people I work with because they’re crazy, seriously.

I love that when I call my clients that have already moved out- they tell me they miss me and are glad I called.

I love that I got a thank you note from a client this week… with a cute turtle on it.

I love seeing how the Lord is (and has) watching over me.

I love being with people pretty much all the time.

I hate getting up early.

I hate crying, cause once I start- I can’t stop.

I hate caring so much about everything and everyone.

I hate not wanting to be somewhere but not knowing where to go.

I hate not knowing.

I hate working everyday.

 

I’m glad there are so many more loves… although I left a few hates off… I still think they wouldn’t compare. thankfully. some days you just have to prove to yourself there are so many more “loves”. todays one of those days…

happier posts will come. give me a little more time, faithful readers.

 

 

 

Blame it on the di-di-di-diaries

Sometimes I just feel like writing and I apologize in advanced because that time has come. All the diaries and journals I’ve kept my whole life have made me this way. Buying a new journal is even a treat for me. Is that weird? I don’t think so.

I’m glad today. And by glad I don’t mean it’s been a super good day and that everything that normally weighs on my heart is magically gone. It’s not. I’m still fighting and struggling through all the changes in my life. I am not thrilled to be at my job but have no idea what I want to do. But, all that heavy stuff is not what I’m meaning to gone on about. I am glad because I’m realizing how its pushing me to the Lord. Multiple times a day, I have to stop and remind myself of things like- “He will never forsake me”, “He works all things together for the good of those who love Him and have been called to his purpose”, “Consider it pure joy when you face trials of any kind because it produces perseverance…”; “Let us hold unswervingly to the faith we profess for He who promised is faithful”,”Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love for I have put my trust in you”, “He takes hold of my right hand and tells me He will help me” (Its in Isaiah 51, I think). There are several verses that He reminds me of for those moments. Some moments all I can say is “I choose to trust you. Help me, Lord, Help me.” or “I need you, I need you, I need you”.

Now I don’t mean to be all dramatic… I guess it is coming out that way. I just know me. I know when things are good- there’s no hesitation when getting out of bed t0 stop and ask the Lord to help me today.  I know my nature. I know for me- brokenness is necessary. It reminds me I can’t do it. Brokenness allows rooms for growth. I’m not graceful in the breaking part by any means. But- I’m thankful the Lord uses these times to mold me to look more like the woman He created me to be. I’m thankful I can look to him knowing I don’t have the strength but He does. Brokenness reminds me how much I need a Savior.

Thank you, my Lord, that you have saved me. Thank you that you continue to be my hope and my rescue. I love you.

Hidden treasure

I found this in my drafts today… I wrote most of it almost a year ago. Crazy how much changes in a year! I thought I’d share it since I’m still learning this concept- but in another way… hope you enjoy it and all its simplicity!

When I have nothing to complain about,

He is all I need.

When each day is bright and beautiful,

it always comes back to Him.

He is all I need.

When I am blessed beyond measure and filled with joy,

He is all I need.

When I have friends and family that love me as I am,

even still, He is all I need.

When I wake up with a smile on my face and little worries on my mind, He is all I need.

When life is bearable and I can easily make it through each day, He is all I need.

When I don’t like my job,

He brings fullfillment.

He is all I need.

When I’m not happy,

He gives me joy.

When life seems… not so great,

He is.

He is all I need.

Still learning to find fulfillment in Him- to rest in the truth: He is all I need. Sweet King, thank you for being the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. I’m so glad despite whatever I feel, you are my great Shepherd and Provider. You will give me all I need. What a wonderful Maker!

Heavy heart

Has your heart ever ached for someone else? I mean, not necessarily in a romantic “I-want/need-you” kind of way. I mean hurt- in a “I-feel-your-pain,-and-it-breaks-my-heart-into-a-million-pieces” kind of way.

I’ve always been sensitive- since I was a little girl. I cried when I had to go to kindergarden. I cried when boys liked me in elementary school. I befriended the weird- and smelly kids, cause I felt they shouldn’t be left out. I always talked to the new kids at church. I really felt for friends who were going through tough times. I even cried when a friend of mine told me her and her suddenly ex-bf had sex, cause I could tell how she was hurting. I feel stressed by the several problems my clients have. Somehow, somewhere- I was created to care a lot for others. I don’t know what the Lord did in my life to make me this way. Sometimes I wish I could undo it… I know I shouldn’t say that but I’m just being honest.

Not that I’m always the most caring person. I’m not. I have had many days where I think about myself only. Thats not the point though. The point- my heart aches for people. It aches a lot. How the heck do I care but not too much? I want to love like Jesus, but how did he love? How did he care and love but also walk away sometimes? You know that song that says break my heart for what breaks yours? Yeah, I didn’t even sing that verse in church this morning. I don’t know how God handles all the pain he feels for others- cause my heart is heavy. Its full.

I’m going to try to keep learning how to love like he does. I know I’m not God. I can’t even imagine his plans and how the pain we feel in our lives fits into them.  I just don’t know what he is trying to do with me feeling others’ pain. What am I supposed to do? I think I have a lot to learn. Sigh. Pressing into the only One who knows.

Be My Fulfillment, Be My Lord

I’m taking my licensing exam in less than a week. I hope I pass! If I don’t, I’ll have to pay more money to take it again. That is really the only reason why I want to pass. Well, I could change positions at work, which might be kind of nice.

I am getting so excited about going to graduate school next year. I can’t believe I’m excited about going back to school! It’s always on my mind though. I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m so antsy! I’m scared though… cause I don’t know what I’m going to do after that. Life is supposed to be that way- right? I just want to love whatever it is I’m doing. Thats all I ask- to enjoy my job. Doesn’t seem like too much to ask?

My iphone is sucking me in. I mean, when its by my side I get literally sucked into the device. Okay- not actually. BUT I can’t stop playing with it! I have this fun game on it where I can play scrabble with friends! I’ve never had games on my phone and now I have games, facebook,email, texting AND a phone! They really should come with a warning: IPHONE COULD TAKE OVER YOUR LIFE. I’ll have to set some kind of boundary before long to keep it from making me completely unaware of everything around me. Oh, my life is so hard. (just kidding)

I’ve been being continually stretched as of the past few months. This isn’t new to my blog readers (Shout out to- Allye, Natalie, Allie, Mom, Dad). In one of my books I pick up and read randomly, there was a sentence that really struck a cord in me. It has been pushing me and painfully challenging me to change. I wanted to share it with you all:

” Fulfillment for a Christian woman begins with the Lordship of Christ in every area of her life.”

- Jackie Kendall & Debby Jones

The Lordship of Christ in every area of my life will bring fullfillment. So simple, but so SO hard. I’ve been mulling over what it means to give Christ Lordship in my life. Any insights? I’d love to hear your thoughts on what that means for you. If you don’t give me insight, I’ll know you didn’t read this all the way through… so go ahead.

Well, back to studying for that licensing exam. XOXO

Life as a social worker

Today, I experienced public housing. I had to move some of my client’s things into her apartment. She will be living in an apartment-tower thing, on the 3rd floor. I looked at my full back seat and decided to be okay with the at least 5 trips up the elevator with my hands full. There were like 10 people sitting in the downstairs lobby watching me too. It was kind of awkward. I smiled and said hi. After my second trip, a lady asked me if I wanted to use a cart. How awesome is that? So I moved all her things in 3 trips with a dollar general shopping cart! Thank you kind people living at Francis Graham apartments. Public housing- you are a jewel.

Days like today, I like my job. I’ll like it tomorrow too cause’ I get to do the same thing! Today, after attending a meeting and becoming very frustrated with procedures and policies and blah, I decided I want to do administration. I don’t know what kind or where but… I want to. I’m still praying about when to get my masters and if I want to do a dual masters. Right now, I’m excited and ready to go back to school next year- to get two masters! Who knows though. Whatever the Lord wants me to do, I’ll do- as soon as I know what that is. Pray for me? K, thanks.

ANYways, pointless post. Sorry if I wasted 2 minutes of your life. I’ll give it back. Just let me know how.

XO

Ps check out my favorite Alli Rogers blog. She talks about a 20 yr old girl raising 14 children! Amazing story! Allirogers.blogspot.com

I love Alli Rogers

so I’m copying her blog idea (http://allirogers.blogspot.com/)!

I am

a daughter, sister, and friend.

watching Friends and laughing.

scared of dying.

wondering what shoes are good for Michigan this time of year.

I am

a young, single adult.

finding my place in this new season.

afraid to follow Christ.

wearing two clashing colors of red and it makes me happy.

suddenly reminded red is my favorite color.

I am

a “social worker”.

taking my first paid vacation day ever this week! woo-hoo!

proud of who I was created to be.

wanting to be more than I am.

I am

exhausted.

wanting to cut my hair.

in love with my new iphone and all its tricks.

craving the ice cream in the freezer but not letting myself move off the couch…

As she so elegantly reminded me: “I am so many of these things yet at the same time none of them at all. I am not defined by anything other than:”

For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.
Colossians 1:15-17

I was created by Him and for Him. How sweet it is to be His.

The lesson in contentment continues.

I could cry at that statement but I’m going to choose to trust James 1:2-4. I will consider it pure joy to face trials because I know perseverance is developing. I know perseverance will grow and mature me in Christ- making me complete. That is reason enough to sing and wipe away the tears. My God is my refuge and strength- an ever present help in time of need.

In other news, I’m learning t0 slowly change my view on my job. I’m starting to find parts I really like. One of my sweet clients I went to visit yesterday was in tears. I felt awful because I was visiting her to tell her some bad news and she was crying before she even knew! I spent about an hour with her though. Talking through why she was crying and reminding her how much she has already made it through. She is a strong woman. Most of my clients are and have no idea. To make it through all that they have is honorable. It is my joy to spend time with them and show them the courage I see in them. Thank you, Jesus, for this sweet joy.

Well, my lunch break is about over so I better get back to work. Sigh. Here we go again.

Contentment

Today I helped Colton move into his new house for the year. It was fun running into people moving in too. It’s nice to see more familiar faces again. I’m sad I won’t see all the familiar faces I want to but I’ll take what I get:) Its sorta sad not getting ready to start another semester. Part of me wishes I was about to start school again too. I need Colton to start taking tests then I know I’ll feel different.

I’m slowing catching on to the theme of this season of life. At least I think its the theme- learning contentment. I remember last summer at a college bible study discussing joy. I kind of got into a heated discussion with a guy at the bible study actually, ha. I was explaining how I think sometimes we have to choose to be joyful. He didn’t agree but anyways, I’ve seen this play out in my life over and over again. So often I have to choose to be joyful. I have to choose to find joy in the daily things, the to-do lists, and mostly- work. I’m learning joy and contentment in every day. It is such a challenge most days. Not that my life is so awful. It isn’t in the least. I am truly blessed… but I still have to choose to see that.

In other news, after a somewhat tiring day, I came home and was putting up some groceries. I decided I was going to make some juice before I went to bed and in doing so spilled it ALL over myself and the kitchen. After a word or two, I said thank you Jesus its the end of the day. I needed a bath anyways:) I’m such a klutz.

Well, I better go to bed. Goodnight lovelies.

I am graduating. 

On so many levels I cannot believe this statement. Thats why it has its own line- so I can let it sink it. 

I am graduating college.

I had to write it again.

I was discussing what college was for me with a new dear friend the other day. I started by talking about when I started college and the difficult transition that was- all the changes that went on that year within my family and my own heart were such a challenge. It was one of the most difficult years of my life. Looking back, I don’t believe I’ve cried more tears than I did that year or struggled so much through one season of life- yet. Just talking about it again with my friend made me cry. Gosh, I did not like college. I was so bitter, cynical and unhappy. But I also developed some precious friendships that year that I’m sure I’ll have for the rest of my life.

When I look back, I see how I’ve grown from that first year. How I began to learn more about myself and being away from everything I was so used to. I learned how to better deal with the challenges life threw my way. I learned so much about brokenness and serving God. I fought to clarify what I believed and how that shapes me and my life. I’ve learned about the sacrifice and intentional daily decision it takes to truly live for Christ. I’ve learned about trusting Christ through various seasons of life- haven’t mastered it, but have learned a tiny bit more about it. In the past four years my eyes have been opened to the beauty of family- especially mine. The rare gems I have in my parents, brother, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.  The overwhelming grace and mercy Christ has freely given me is unbelievable. Through the struggles I’ve faced, He has opened my eyes to how he has always been working in me and protecting me. In college, he has allowed me to see him in ways I have never seen him before. He has stretched me and challenged me; taken me all across the states and allowed me to  to see Him at work in various places. I have made some unexpected friendships- that make me chuckle to think of, but couldn’t image life without them. Christ has developed passions and shaped me, leading me toward where I believe he wants me.   I am excited to see how he uses the different experiences I’ve had in college. Its such a wild puzzle he somehow pieces together. 

I cannot believe this season of life is coming to an end for me. I have grown more than I have ever imagined and am somewhat sad to see this chapter end. I am grateful though for how Christ worked in me the past four years. I know I will probably never have another season quite like college but am expectant of what he will teach me in the new season I am entering.

Graduation- here I come!

Sweet memories

I’m pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I’m blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure
And his joy’s gonna be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning

I’m trading my sorrow
I’m trading my shame
I’m laying it down for the joy of the Lord

Be Thou My Vision

I am currently reading 3 books. Yes, three. Also, I bought another one a week ago… and have four books sitting on my window seal waiting to be read. I’ve created this habit of starting a book before I finish another one. I’m sure my mom taught me not to do this in some shape or form but it didn’t stick- obviously.

This afternoon I was reading two of them. Not at the same time- although that would be pretty awesome, and a super power I would love to have– Anyways,I’m reading a book of Mother Teresa’s private writings called Come be My Light. It is a weighty book that talks heavily about surrender, taking up your cross and loving Jesus with every last bit of your life. It has several letters and quotes of Mother Teresa pieced together telling of when she became a nun and the suffering and trials she faced. You can’t help but be convicted as you read of her complete and utter surrender to daily live for Christ. It’s hard for me to read because I feel so convicted after reading a page. I want to soak it all in page by page… it would take me years to fully comprehend the depth and wisdom she held. I want to share a piece from what I read today that I did get all to well. This section is right where the book is talking about how Mother Teresa was not “gloomy or despondent” because of the serious commitment she made to Christ, she was joyful and “full of fun”. 

” ‘ When I see someone sad,’ she would say, ‘ I always think, she is refusing something to Jesus.’ It was in giving Jesus whatever He asked that she [Mother Teresa] found her deepest and lasting joy; in giving Him joy she found her own joy.”

 

What a woman that loved our God and truly lived for him.

Theres a rumbley in my tummy

Today I’ve had ice cream, skittles, starbursts, and cookies. My stomach is making all kinds of noises… this can’t be good. I think I have a serious sweets addiction.

So today I had to go to chapel for Charter day. There was a motivational speaker for the message portion. I’m not typically into motivational speakers and was zoning in and out of this guys little talk but something he said made me listen. He was talking about how some people working 5 days a week just live for the 2 day weekends. This struck me because thats how I feel right now. He went on to say how important it is to have a job doing what you love. It was all really great advice but it made me frustrated. See (warning I’m about to go off on a tangent), I don’t know what I love. I used to really be into helping people- like LOVED it. I think I still like that. But theres so much else I love doing. Helping people isn’t as limited as I once thought it was and now I feel like I missed out on trying all these other things. I’ve always loved to draw and dance. I like writing sometimes too. I love reading! Theres just so much! I don’t know what I’m most passionate about though. Here I am about to graduate and already dreading the work week. No job I’ve come across sounds fun… they’re all depressing. Partially I think thats because I chose the major I did. Can you have burnout before you even start? It’s so frustrating. I want a job I enjoy and have fun doing. gah. Feels like a hopeless pursuit.

In one of my social work classes yesterday this lady from Adult Protective Services came and talked to us. She was telling us about everything they do and it made me sick to my stomach. Much like CPS, they investigate homes for elderly abuse, neglect, and financial exploitation. She was describing certain situations they come across and explaining how they can’t act on anything unless the elderly person agrees to it, unlike children with CPS. She went on to explain even if they go see an elderly person whose house is literally full of trash they can’t do anything about it unless the elderly person chooses to. Isn’t that awful?? Or if they’re being financially exploited by a son or daughter but don’t want to do anything about it, then thats it. They can’t do anything. I would never be able to walk away from either one of those situations with a peace of mind. Its awful. I’d be a bad employee… and get fired… for yelling at people. Hard to imagine? Nah.

Okay, off to homework… sick.

a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck

LAST SEMESTER! HOORAY!

You know what I love so much? When things just flow together, not because they match up or make sense but because thats how it happened. I’m not really talking about situations or people- or really anything you’d expect me to be talking about. See, I love writing, drawing and placing little notes in my planner. In my journal, I love to take notes, tape things inside, draw, and write prayers and thoughts. In my school notebooks, I definitely draw, take notes- for all different classes, write song lyrics I’m currently enthralled by and even sometimes write prayers. All of this I’ve  really just started doing in the past year or so but there’s something about it. I like to think life just flows like that- every little piece gets thrown together, bumping into each other and rubbing up against the other pieces. I used to like things all separated and organized- each piece with its own place- and with some things I’m still like this. But there’s something beautiful in letting it all just run together, something freeing. I mean, as a person, I’m not all compartmentalized. I think writing and functioning like this helps me to let go of things in a sense, to recognize and admire the complexity and beauty in the way God created me and daily life. I don’t know how much that all makes sense but I like it. It makes sense to me, somehow.

I’m crossing my fingers for an icy day tomorrow… would be nice to stay inside and rest for one whole day with the roomies!

2009, how fine

Tonight I made yummy- and cute cupcakes! If cooking didn’t involve so much cleaning, I’d cook non-stop. I also bought a crock pot today. I will be making something delicious in it soon! I’m open to suggestions of what to make- who knows you may get to eat some!

I’m going back to school tomorrow! I can’t wait to see you people. The beginning of my last undergrad semester. WEIRD- and so great! 122 days until I’m done. Phew. Praying the Lord will help me through it. Something tells me the next few months won’t be a piece of cake- more like a bite of spinach, good for you but hard to swallow. Anyways, the Lord is faithful and good, so I shouldn’t worry. 

I look forward to seeing you and cooking for you out of my new crock pot! Get ready!